I begin with mentioning the beautiful asma’ of Allah (SWT).
October 30, 2008 | TWO days of jet-lag and I have two more days before reporting back to work! There’s something amiss and yet I couldn’t point out where and what.
With Martin Ling’s A Return to the Spirit at hand, I went book hunting. I picked up King of the Castle by Charles Le Gai Eaton, Muhammad (SAW) His Life Based on the Earliest Source by Martin Lings, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay, and Al-Qur’an Text and Translation by Abdullah Yusuf Ali. I started with the last of the lot as soon as I got home.
I read for a while then began fidgeting.
“What shall I do, O Allah?” I asked myself.
I picked up an empty notebook and started writing down each and every word I read. It was overwhelming.
“There’s a place I want to be but where? Anywhere but here!” I said to myself.
“Would you care to accompany me for a trip to the North, Aini? Let’s leave on the day after tomorrow and return on Sunday,” I asked my companion. “I have Kuala Kangsar, Taiping then Penang in the itinerary.”
Those places popped out spontaneously.
“Please pack tonight, I will pick you up by 6:30am tomorrow insyaa-Allah,” I told her.
As we embarked upon our journey to the North, I came to the realization that those places are familiar to me. The last visit that I made was way back in 80’s. I could still recall how my late father used to take us for evening strolls by the lake and how we would head back to the guest house to arrive just before dawn.
“Is it him that I miss?” I wondered.
The wettest spot in Malaysia, greets us with rain. That did not hinder me from tracing the old footsteps of my beloved father and I. It feels like yesterday. I saw a glimpse of the little six year old girl giggling as her father swung her over his shoulder. She reached out to the tree branch nearest to her or simply shooed the birds that were taking to their places of rest.
The serenity of the lake is enhanced by the elongated tree trunks as they bend gracefully along the shore. The leaves at the edge of the trunk touch the water surface. I perceive this scene as a symbol of living in harmony and in a complementary way with the earth.
“One day, I will return to this place with the companion of my life, abah1. Insyaa-Allah,” I promised.
With that, we proceed to Penang, the town in which my father was given birth.
Aini slept almost throughout the entire journey so it made space for me to walk down memory lane. The longing gets deeper and becomes so great that I could feel it cutting through my body. As soon as we checked in, I took out my writing book and Al-Qur’an translation. I wrote down several pages until my hands felt numb.
I have been avoiding the north as this region is associated closely with my late father. There were questions left unanswered and I was afraid to look into them. I feared feeling lost and at the same time I felt safe holding on to the attachment that I have with my father. He was the second generation and I am the third as my grandfather immigrated from the Middle East in early 1900. My grandfather passed on when my father was just 14 years old and not too long after the return of my grandmother to her Creator.
Day in and day out, I read and copied Al-Qur’an translation. I decided to unsubscribe from the cable television provider and newspapers were history.
“I’m going for Siem Reap’s marathon, peeps! Anyone wish to join me?” I announced internally.
Over a tea break at Alliance Française, my French language course mate made an open invitation. You know what happened next, don’t you?
March 5, 2009 | We arrived at Siem Reap. The weather was dry and extremely hot. I didn’t have a good feeling. A sense of longing permeated and it was as if something was amiss.
We went to Tonle Sap and the water level was low. Our boat was excursing in gray muddy water. The scenery of crystal blue water and the horizon was covered up by pink lotus and was nowhere in sight.
“Why am I here? What is the lesson I needed to learn?” I pondered.
I tried my level best to make the most of my time while I was there. We went to Angkor Watt and some other places of interest. Deep down, I felt that I shouldn’t have been there.
When is the moment of catharsis going to happen? I want to be anywhere but here!
1 father in local Malay dialect.
