14 October 2008
I begin with mentioning the beautiful asma’ of Allah (SWT)
Ar-Rahmaan, The Most Loving and Ar-Raheem, The Most Compassionate.
“Why did you travel?”
“What is this field research all about?”
“Seriously? You traveled extensively just to discover the essence of your religion?”
These three questions are the most common that I encountered, and I sometimes felt that they are more like statements than inquiries when we happened to engage in a conversation; and this was coming from my fellow countrymen or my fellow ‘planet-men.’
Growing up in an environment as a born Muslim, I lived in auto-pilot mode. My mother taught me to read al-Qur’an since I was five years old and at the same time introduced me to certain aspects of fardh ‘ayn matters.
I saw everybody praying, reading al-Qur’an, fasting during Ramadan and adhering to other obligatory duties. As I turned eight years old, my mother sent me to afternoon religious school apart attending conventional school in the morning and although I was as curious as a cat, somehow, after several attempts of posing questions outside of the usual context in both religious and conventional schools, I quit.
Those questions were then channeled to my late father when we met once a year. Perhaps, I will write about his wisdom some time in the future, insyaa-Allah.
Years passed, however, and I reckoned that the auto-pilot mode had served its purpose and was no longer relevant. There was a deep yearning to seek for something: what was it?
Not only did I not know where to start, but I didn’t even know what it was or what that yearning was all about. The long hours that I spent in the office as well as the time I dedicated to the road while living in this cosmopolitan city made it impossible for me to slot in any contemplative moments since I left the house before sunrise and came home after sunset. The void continued to increase until it reached a boiling point and off I traveled!
Yes, the first destination was London, United Kingdom and I was impressed with a particular view.
As soon as I left the immigration compound, I saw a prayer room. If Islamophobia is a main concern here, the room may no longer be available, but I wondered. A week passed and I did not experience any gestures that my presence in London with my hijab stirred any uneasiness. I traveled up to Edinburgh and Aberdeen witnessing Muslims carry on with their life as usual.
The highlight of this journey happened right there, at Whitechapel Street. I came to know a man; Dr. Martin Lings. Not only him, but also his work, A Return to the Spirit – Questions and Answers. The cover was white with a round geometrical design of navy blue and gold upon it.
How did I come to put first things first? What is the spiritual significance of tears and laughter? What is the spiritual significance of civilization? What is the Qur’anic doctrine of the afterlife and how is it related to Sufism? and Why, “With All Thy Mind?”1
A sense of trembling enveloped my being and moved me to tears. Perhaps those were the questions and answers to my yearning that triggered the urgency for me to travel at any cost.
I then read the “In Memoriam” section as if my heart was inflated to the point that it may explode. The highlight of the message is that – I will return to Allah (SWT). Would I die as a Muslim and attain husnul khatimah, a good ending?
This book was his last before he returned to the spirit. From Allah (SWT) we come, to Him we shall return. May Allah (SWT) bless the souls of Dr. Martin Lings and Abu Bakr Siraj al-Din.
That night I cried my heart out. For almost twenty years I was busy chasing after an ‘ideal life;’ a definition assigned by ‘modern’ society that one must have an awesome job, a lucrative salary, high flyer status, a gorgeous house, a splendid car, and an exquisite lifestyle.
The definition goes on for a woman: she must be married, have children, children that do well in their academic career, etc. Not all of that is wrong, but the approach, the context and concept can be redefined.2
I do not detest a good life, but a good life is literally not identical for all; no two snow flakes are alike. My return flight would be in eight days. I would fulfill my agenda, places to visit, and people to meet. In between, I contemplated and asked questions although some were being answered after six years. Up to this point, I was still connecting the dots and carrying an empty cup.
1 https://www.fonsvitae.com/OnlineStore/tabid/58/pid/73/A-Return-to-the-Spirit-Questions-and-Answers.aspx
2 Al-Qur’an [Azzariyat 51:56] I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.
