Marriage is a serious covenant and should, like all endeavors, be embarked upon with the purest of intentions. As stated in the Holy Qur’an, Surah Ad-Dukhan 44:37-39:
We created not the heavens, the earth, and all between them merely in (idle) sport: We created them not except for just ends: but most of them do not understand.
Like all important things in our lives, from faith matters to education and career choices, the seeking and selection of a spouse needs guidelines in order to be successful. An excerpt from a blog post written by Sister Shabana Diouri of U.K. illustrates her deliberate search and some of her particular requirements when searching for a spouse:
Of all the reasons I married my husband, out of everything, the moment I realized he was the one, was when I felt the “click.” This is not the Hollywood romance; I’ll spare you the nausea inducing ‘true love conquers all’ version! This is the real deal. This is loving someone for the sake of Allah (SWT) as well as loving them for themselves too. I never went for the ‘rude boys’ nor did I go for the ‘bling boys’ or ‘mummies boys.” I researched and researched what the Quran and Sunnah had to say about marriage, it was beautiful! And that is all I wanted . . .
In theory, this was great, and I have no doubt that everyone would want a marriage like this, but my stumbling block came to the practical. Every man I came across didn’t fit the picture. I was being offered everything apart from what was important. I was looking for character and deen, and I found everything except that.
Then I reached my point of despair. Remember my post “On the Brink,” I begged Allah (SWT) to end my misery and bless me with my other half. The next morning, after a weird series of events and a one-in-a-million chance meeting, we met.
There was a silver lining at the end of Sister Shabana’s search and although many Muslimahs have indicated that they too have encountered difficulties when searching for a spouse, not all Muslim women have found the process to be challenging.
Sister Queen Sheba Cisse of Washington D.C states, “I personally don’t believe it is hard to meet potential mates depending on if you are optimistically open. I met my last husband the late Imam Assane Cisse (May ALLAH be pleased with his mission) here in USA when he was visiting in 2003. I have also been married before and met my ex-husband, the father of my children, when he was visiting in New York. Even though I was not searching at the time for a husband, in both cases I believed in having an open mind to the subject matter of marriage. Overall the process was emotionally caring, uplifting and I experienced an enduring spiritual fulfillment that has lasted until this day which has made me feel whole; a completion. With a “Bismi ALLAH,” a sound dua and patience, it is truly possible for singles to find good potential mates.”
Similarly, Sister Elizabeth Lymer of U.K. relates that she did not find it hard to meet her spouse. She says, “I often wonder how people manage to find their spouses. For me – boy buys tea, cashier blushes, repeat over several weeks, boy’s friend notices the blushing. ‘Aren’t you gonna do something?’ [boy’s friend asks]. Boy proposes. Alhamdulillah blushing became a good thing!”
In Houston, TX, some of the mosques and Muslim Student Associations hold chaperoned mixers for singles where unmarried brothers and sisters can interact in a halal environment. This tradition appears to be growing within the U.S. as Sister Sahar Salah, a teacher and writer for aMuslima.com in USA shares:
“We have our Southeast Muslim matrimonial group here in the area trying to bring brothers and sisters together. We have had two couples marry in the last year and a half, but we need more participants for it to work better, inshallah. We have monthly gatherings where brothers and sisters meet and have been meeting for the past few times at Apex Mosque where we have getting-to-know-you activities and then a round-robin where brothers speak to sisters individually. It’s a speed dating set up…lol. Anyway if you are interested in someone you exchange contact info and you talk with each other further. We encourage involvement of family at this point.”
Matrimonial websites targeting Muslims and Muslimahs have also increased in number. There is debate over whether utilizing matrimonial websites is a positive development within the Muslim community.
Sister Cisse states, “I would like to say on the behalf of others that finding guidance and support at the local masjids can be very tough for most singles both male and female. Throughout the years women and males have spoken to me of the hardship of not finding a potential spouse and maybe that is why you see several Muslim online resources on this topic. Many Muslims are against this idea.”
For more on this subject, Marriage in Islam: the ideal vs. the reality Part 1 and Part 2 can be read by following the
hyperlinks and some suggested book titles are included below:
Islamic Marriage by Hedaya Hartford
Blissful Marriage: A Practical Islamic Guide by Ekram Beshir and Mohamed Rida Beshir
Book of Nikah by Yusuf Al-Hajj Ahmad
