Newlyweds – Muslims and Non Muslims often find that the difference between the ideal (perceived) and reality (what actually happens) after marriage is so overwhelmingly different. Nothing can really prepare new couples for the intense, 24-hours, day and night interaction that come with the union. Everything will be out in the open for both of them. Every aspect of daily life, habits, routine will be exposed. A new life for both of them is literally what will happen once they are married.
On the financial front, there may be financial habits of our spouse that looked funny and adorable before marriage. But quite disturbing and upsetting after marriage. A man (future husband) who looked impressive, trendy, and fascinating, apparently are the result of wearing exclusive goods or using an expensive hairdresser. A pretty wife who makes other people jealous (to see how lucky the man who marry her is) in fact comes with a long list of maintenance such as fashion shopping, personal care, dermatologist visits, expensive cosmetics, hair appointments, and so on.
Or some were so impressed with the way of future wife/husband in terms of finance. It turns out after getting married, she/he feels that the husband/wife turns a bit ungenerous. Remember an anecdote that a husband has to hide money in his socks? It is still happening today … lol. Then we become familiar with : men’s money and women’s money. Subsequently the new family started to have three tracks in the family finances. Each track is not coordinated with the other. Can you guess how the family finance is – presumably? They are living together, but each one has a separate financial live. We should keep in mind that unless there is a prenuptial agreement that after marriage husband and wife’s financial life tied to each other according to the law. Many cases arise due to lack of openness.
Or some were so impressed with the prospective husband/wife was so gracious, full of compassion to anyone who was in need. After marriage, it turns out; tension arises because she/he thinks that her/his spouse looks too lopsided in helping members of the family or extended family, to ignore the interests of their own family.
The above examples are realities that may arise, different from the ideal marriage that each person may dream. Does the existence of these things mean that love in the marriage is diminished? Oh, not at all. Insha Allah, for every problem there is a solution. And we remember once again, that the ability to manage our finance is a thing that must be studied and can be learned. So, do not worry. Always think positive.
When reality does not fit with expectation, what we are going to do? Here are things that could be considered:
#1. Accept the fact, face it very calmly
No need to be panic. Remember, every problem has a solution, inshaa Allah.
# 2. Select the important issues
Of the many financial concerns that are encountered after marriage, choose the most important and urgent one to be solved. Not all problems must be resolved at this time and now. There is a problem solving process.
# 3. Realize that marriage involves two people
Two heads are different from one head. Work together. Listen to each other. This is still early in the game. Do not be emotional.
# 4. Influence of financial background
Husband and wife come from different financial backgrounds. Realize and understand it. Behavior exhibited by husband or wife is the result of different childhood development, experience and educational. Find common ground. Do not exaggerate differences, especially non-essential things.
# 5. If necessary, one step backward
A step backward here is not a step back from the wedding. Na’udzubillah. Please don’t. A step backward means if before the marriage finance was not the topic that the couple talk about, so now is a good time to sit down and talk about it. Ask any questions that need to be asked. Hopefully the fact that the marriage is already in place will help the couple to talk openly.
When reality does not match to the expectations, then there are opportunities for a couple to have deeper interaction and to know each other. Inshaa Allah, if it is addressed properly, the frustrating circumstance around financial issues will become a lesson that strengthen the couple.
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